If They Played Basketball in Movies Not About Basketball: Ghostbusters

Ghostbusters (1984) and Ghostbusters II (1989)

The Team:

Center: Vigo the Carpathian (7’1”, 300) – Transylvania University

The Carpathian is a dominant center in the mold of Shaquille O’Neal. With his massive size, bruising style of play, and ability to absorb punishment (the man was "poisoned, stabbed, shot, hung, stretched, disemboweled, and drawn and quartered" by his own people in 17th century), The Carpathian is the complete package. His only weakness – if he has one – is his inability to focus on the task at hand. He is easily distracted and susceptible to counter-plays and misdirections. He also has a temper (His nicknames include "Vigo the Cruel", "Vigo the Torturer", "Vigo the Despised", and "Vigo the Unholy") and is not known as a team player either on or off the court.

Played by Wilhelm von Homburg

Power Forward: Ray Stantz (6’5”, 260) – New York University, Columbia

Describing Stantz as a power forward is a bit of a misnomer. He is shorter, stockier and less strong than you would like in the body of a power forward. That said, his girth disguises a low center of gravity and excellent footwork that enables him to generate tremendous jumping ability. His play has drawn comparisons to that of Charles Barkley – driving to the lane, using his bulk to knock defenders off guard, clogging up the lanes on defense, grabbing rebounds right and left, and the like. Unfortunately, the comparisons to Barkley stop there – he does not move quickly enough to be anything more than an adequate defender, his outside shooting is terrible, and he has difficulty passing the ball.

Played by Dan Aykroyd

Shooting Forward: Egon Spengler (6’10”, 210) – Harvard, Columbia

As with Stantz, describing Spengler as a shooting forward is a misnomer. He’s built more like a shorter version of Manute Bol – tall and lanky. He simply does not have the size, bulk, or athletic ability to dominate on the inside. His defense is often suspect, and is usually limited to assisting on double-teams. Fortunately, Spengler makes up for his lack of an inside game with a deadly outside shot. The Ghostbusters play him in a slashing style – alternatively swooping in to the basket for quick lay-ups after teams have double-covered The Carpathian and taking shots from 20 feet away. Spengler had a 63% shooting percentage (with 42% from beyond the arc) last season. Despite his drawbacks, teams simply cannot afford to ignore him.

Played by Harold Ramis

Shooting Guard: Peter Venkman (6’4”, 230) – Harvard, Harvard, Harvard

With PhD’s in both psychology and para-psychology, Venkman is better known for his brains than for his brawn. Like Spengler, Venkman is a deadly outside shot. He is also a weak defender, rebounder, and passer. He occupies the J.J. Redick Memorial Roster Spot: He shoots, and that’s pretty much all he does. He is quite proficient at setting high screens for Spengler or Zeddemore, though, making his game not a total loss without the ball.

Played by Bill Murray

Point Guard: Winston Zeddemore (6’2”, 210) – CCNY

Zeddemore is best known for his passing ability. He is an expert at managing the pace of the game, and usually has great skill in finding either The Carpathian on the inside or Spengler for an outside shot. He has also had some success finding The Carpathian on alley-oops. His shooting is decent (55%, 40% from beyond the arc) but not spectacular. He has little proficiency in defense, though, and covers the other team’s point guard only by necessity rather than ability. If Venkman were a better defender, the Ghostbusters would stick Zeddemore on the opposing team’s shooting guard and worry only about outside shots. As is, he must try to defend passes too, which he is hardly capable of doing.

Played by Ernie Hudson

Bench

Guard: Louis Tully (5’1”, 140) – Knox College, Indiana

Tully cannot play basketball at all. He trips over his own feet running up and down the court, cannot shoot, cannot rebound, and is too small to set picks. The only thing he is proficient at is stealing the ball – he can sneak in with his smaller size and swipe the ball before opposing players know he is there. That skill does not make up for his lack of ability, though.

Played by Rick Moranis

Forward: Walter Peck (6’6”, 245) – Northwestern

Peck is unliked by his teammates, having once threatened to rat them out to the EPA if they did not give into his demands. He is a decent energy player off the bench, though, with high speed and leaping ability. His shooting, defense, rebounding and passing are mediocre at best, but his Mike D’Antoni-style game at least offers a change of pace off the bench.

Played by That Guy From the Die Hard Movies (William Atherton)

Guard: Gozer the Gozerian (5’5”, 150) – Sumerian University

Like Peck, The Gozerian is best known for his/her change of energy. The Gozerian has been known to (literally) leap halfway across the gymnasium when challenged. It can rebound like none other, but for some reasons cannot shoot with any accuracy. The Gozerian is also not known as a team player, and has fired lightning bolts from his/her fingers at his/her own teammates in the past. Best used as a role player/energy guy who grabs rebounds and then immediately dishes off the rock to someone else.

Played by Slavitza Jovan

How They Would Have Fared in the NBA This Season:

The main strength of this team lies with Vigo the Carpathian. No team except Phoenix has a player who can match The Carpathian’s sheer basketball ability. Unfortunately, in no other area does this team come close to matching the skill of an NBA team. The Ghostbusters must rely on Zeddemore’s passing ability and Spengler and Venkman’s outside shooting. A team with a lock-down defense like Chicago or Boston, though, will keep them from scoring many points. Defensively the team also does not match up well, especially in the new era of changed hand-check rules. The upward ceiling of the team is probably somewhere around .500, with a floor closer to 28-30 wins.

Prediction: Eastern Conference 38-44, 8th seed, bounced in the first round. Western Conference 30-52, 12th place.

How They Would Fare Against the 2004-05 University of Illinois Fighting Illini Men’s Basketball Team:

The strengths and weaknesses of these two teams are matched up in a manner of direct opposition. Much like in the 2005 NCAA championship game when Illinois had nobody who could stop Sean May, Illinois also has nobody who can guard Vigo the Carpathian. None of the Illini big men will be big enough or strong enough to stop him from getting to the basket at will. Fortunately, the Ghostbusters have nobody who can efficiently guard Illinois’ outside shooting trio of Deron Williams, Luther Head, and Dee Brown. Illinois’ Roger Powell matches up well against Ray Stantz defensively and offensively, making their battle a wash. In the paint, Illinois will rotate some combination of starter James Augustine and bench players Jack Ingram, Nick “The Chainsaw” Smith, and sophomore Warren Carter against The Carpathian, possibly employing the Hack-a-Vigo technique with fouls to burn. The Ghostbusters will do what they can on the outside, but there is simply no way Spengler, Venkman, and Zeddemore are quick enough or have enough defensive prowess to cover Williams, Head, and Brown. Illinois wins this one in a close match-up 84-77.

Edit: Vigo the Carpathian quote fixed.

Bonus Simpsons Reference of the Day

My uncle e-mailed me a picture of my seven-month old cousin sitting on their leather sofa. He accompanied the picture with the phrase "Like Montgomery Burns, your cousin has learned to enjoy a good sit."

Reference: “Mountain of Madness”, Season 8, Episode 12.

Recurring Features

Since I’ll be including a few recurring features here at Carcetti for Mayor, I thought I ought to include a post explaining what each one is.

Simpsons Reference of the Day:

Like many of my friends, I am obsessed with the Simpsons, especially the first 12 seasons or so. I can quote episodes from memory, I have used analogies from the show in papers, and I above all pepper my conversations with references to the show. Of course, many of my friends and relatives do the same. “Simpsons Reference of the Day” is simply a catalogue of those references, presented in the context in which they were used. These references will mostly be spoken by me, but I’ll include those spoken by others as well. Example:

(Scene: While preparing for a night on the town, I have just completed a shower and am walking to my bedroom, wearing only a towel, when I hear a knock at the door. Seeing that my roommates are otherwise occupied, I walk to the door and open it for my friend JBM. JBM stares at me incredulously.)

Me: I have misplaced my pants.

(Note: This actually happened. Ah, college.)

Reference: “Bart After Dark”, Season 8, Episode 5.

By the Numbers:

“By the Numbers” is a feature in which I detail arcane events in my life in minute detail. It’s similar to a feature on many other blogs and web sites. This gets published approximately “whenever I feel like it”.

Example:

Hours of Grand Theft Auto IV Played Yesterday: 9.

Amount I Would Have Made If I Had Worked a Minimum-Wage Job During That Time: $65.25.

Cost of Said Grand Theft Auto IV Game: $64.96 after taxes.

Difference Between These Two Figures: $0.29.

Ounces of Diet Dr. Pepper Consumed During Those Hours: 64.

And so on.

If They Played Basketball in Movies Not About Basketball:

This is a recurring feature that I will write solely as a time-waster and is something that is probably only interesting to me. It’s basically just an analysis of the main characters from a given movie based on how well they would play as a basketball team. I’ll look at the different characters, make up positions (and pertinent information about each character to make them fit as basketball players), and then analyze the strengths and weaknesses of the team. I’ll figure out about how many wins they could expect to get in the current NBA season, and then finally compare them to the gold standard of basketball teams: the 2004-05 University of Illinois Fighting Illini Men’s Basketball Team (note: blatant homerism alert). See my post (linked below) on “Ghostbusters” for an example.

New York Times Editorials:

My absolute favorite post I wrote for my old blog was one where I ripped apart a New York Times editorial on the Samuel Alito Supreme Court nomination firejoemorgan.com-style. (If you haven’t visited firejoemorgan.com by now, you really should). Basically, all I do here is go through the editorial line by line and either refute what they’ve written, make fun of them, or both. Why the Grey Lady? Politically I’m closer to the Wall Street Journal than to the New York Times, plus NYT seems to have a more arrogant style, at least to me. I’ll post a link to an example once I do one.

Simpsons Reference of the Day

Today's reference:

Conversation with my friend L:

L: (Our friend D) was upset that my hair was straight yesterday, so she's a little excited that it's back to curly today.
Me: Curly... straight! Curly... straight! Curly... straight!

Reference: "Homer Goes to College", Season 5, Episode 3.

Carcetti Reloaded

Gentlemen (and ladies)! It's been two years, but I'm back.

Two years ago, I blogged my way through most of my first year of law school. Over those glorious months, my readership expanded from a handful of people to double digits as I held forth on politics, movies, sports, and everything in between. Unfortunately, an abortive summer job search led me to delete the old blog, as I was concerned about its effect on the job hunt. I walked away, deleting my articles and dreams and leaving them only as a memory.

In the interim, I discovered something: I missed blogging. I missed being able to scribble down my thoughts and post them. I missed running into friends in the hallway and hearing them say "Hey, I read that thing you wrote on your blog, let me share my thoughts on the topic with you." I missed being able to make fun of New York Times editorials firejoemorgan.com-style. I missed my recurring "By the Numbers" feature in which I figured out exactly how much time I had wasted that day. Most of all, I missed the sense of being able to communicate - albeit in sarcastic fashion - with the online world.

So, I'm back. We can call this version 2.0 of my blog (or, more appropriately 3.0, if one counts my very very old Xanga blog); my blog reloaded, if you will. The key difference this time is that I'll be blogging anonymously. I dislike anonymous blogging in general - if you're willing to put certain thoughts out on the World Wide Interweb of Tubes, you should at least be willing to put your name on those thoughts. My old blog was published under my real name for that reason. Unfortunately, I am concerned about the effect a blog with my name on it will have in my line of work. It's not that I generally publish articles that are offensive or inappropriate - it's just that my efforts at sanitizing Google of unflattering references to me have been largely successful up until now, and I'd like to keep it that way.

So, in the absence of using my real name, I've decided to adopt the pseudonym of Thomas J. "Tommy" Carcetti, the ambitious and sleazy mayoral candidate (and later mayor of Baltimore) from HBO's The Wire. I won't be blogging as Carcetti - these will be my thoughts, simply published under Carcetti's name. I'm not wild about this solution, but this seems to be best for all involved.

Enjoy. I'm looking forward to writing again. I've got a few things planned for the future - like a review of Grand Theft Auto IV, sarcastic discussions on NYT editorials, and even an analysis of who would win in a 2-on-2 basketball game between the Obamas and the Clintons. Check back soon!