If They Played Basketball in Movies Not About Basketball: Ghostbusters

Ghostbusters (1984) and Ghostbusters II (1989)

The Team:

Center: Vigo the Carpathian (7’1”, 300) – Transylvania University

The Carpathian is a dominant center in the mold of Shaquille O’Neal. With his massive size, bruising style of play, and ability to absorb punishment (the man was "poisoned, stabbed, shot, hung, stretched, disemboweled, and drawn and quartered" by his own people in 17th century), The Carpathian is the complete package. His only weakness – if he has one – is his inability to focus on the task at hand. He is easily distracted and susceptible to counter-plays and misdirections. He also has a temper (His nicknames include "Vigo the Cruel", "Vigo the Torturer", "Vigo the Despised", and "Vigo the Unholy") and is not known as a team player either on or off the court.

Played by Wilhelm von Homburg

Power Forward: Ray Stantz (6’5”, 260) – New York University, Columbia

Describing Stantz as a power forward is a bit of a misnomer. He is shorter, stockier and less strong than you would like in the body of a power forward. That said, his girth disguises a low center of gravity and excellent footwork that enables him to generate tremendous jumping ability. His play has drawn comparisons to that of Charles Barkley – driving to the lane, using his bulk to knock defenders off guard, clogging up the lanes on defense, grabbing rebounds right and left, and the like. Unfortunately, the comparisons to Barkley stop there – he does not move quickly enough to be anything more than an adequate defender, his outside shooting is terrible, and he has difficulty passing the ball.

Played by Dan Aykroyd

Shooting Forward: Egon Spengler (6’10”, 210) – Harvard, Columbia

As with Stantz, describing Spengler as a shooting forward is a misnomer. He’s built more like a shorter version of Manute Bol – tall and lanky. He simply does not have the size, bulk, or athletic ability to dominate on the inside. His defense is often suspect, and is usually limited to assisting on double-teams. Fortunately, Spengler makes up for his lack of an inside game with a deadly outside shot. The Ghostbusters play him in a slashing style – alternatively swooping in to the basket for quick lay-ups after teams have double-covered The Carpathian and taking shots from 20 feet away. Spengler had a 63% shooting percentage (with 42% from beyond the arc) last season. Despite his drawbacks, teams simply cannot afford to ignore him.

Played by Harold Ramis

Shooting Guard: Peter Venkman (6’4”, 230) – Harvard, Harvard, Harvard

With PhD’s in both psychology and para-psychology, Venkman is better known for his brains than for his brawn. Like Spengler, Venkman is a deadly outside shot. He is also a weak defender, rebounder, and passer. He occupies the J.J. Redick Memorial Roster Spot: He shoots, and that’s pretty much all he does. He is quite proficient at setting high screens for Spengler or Zeddemore, though, making his game not a total loss without the ball.

Played by Bill Murray

Point Guard: Winston Zeddemore (6’2”, 210) – CCNY

Zeddemore is best known for his passing ability. He is an expert at managing the pace of the game, and usually has great skill in finding either The Carpathian on the inside or Spengler for an outside shot. He has also had some success finding The Carpathian on alley-oops. His shooting is decent (55%, 40% from beyond the arc) but not spectacular. He has little proficiency in defense, though, and covers the other team’s point guard only by necessity rather than ability. If Venkman were a better defender, the Ghostbusters would stick Zeddemore on the opposing team’s shooting guard and worry only about outside shots. As is, he must try to defend passes too, which he is hardly capable of doing.

Played by Ernie Hudson

Bench

Guard: Louis Tully (5’1”, 140) – Knox College, Indiana

Tully cannot play basketball at all. He trips over his own feet running up and down the court, cannot shoot, cannot rebound, and is too small to set picks. The only thing he is proficient at is stealing the ball – he can sneak in with his smaller size and swipe the ball before opposing players know he is there. That skill does not make up for his lack of ability, though.

Played by Rick Moranis

Forward: Walter Peck (6’6”, 245) – Northwestern

Peck is unliked by his teammates, having once threatened to rat them out to the EPA if they did not give into his demands. He is a decent energy player off the bench, though, with high speed and leaping ability. His shooting, defense, rebounding and passing are mediocre at best, but his Mike D’Antoni-style game at least offers a change of pace off the bench.

Played by That Guy From the Die Hard Movies (William Atherton)

Guard: Gozer the Gozerian (5’5”, 150) – Sumerian University

Like Peck, The Gozerian is best known for his/her change of energy. The Gozerian has been known to (literally) leap halfway across the gymnasium when challenged. It can rebound like none other, but for some reasons cannot shoot with any accuracy. The Gozerian is also not known as a team player, and has fired lightning bolts from his/her fingers at his/her own teammates in the past. Best used as a role player/energy guy who grabs rebounds and then immediately dishes off the rock to someone else.

Played by Slavitza Jovan

How They Would Have Fared in the NBA This Season:

The main strength of this team lies with Vigo the Carpathian. No team except Phoenix has a player who can match The Carpathian’s sheer basketball ability. Unfortunately, in no other area does this team come close to matching the skill of an NBA team. The Ghostbusters must rely on Zeddemore’s passing ability and Spengler and Venkman’s outside shooting. A team with a lock-down defense like Chicago or Boston, though, will keep them from scoring many points. Defensively the team also does not match up well, especially in the new era of changed hand-check rules. The upward ceiling of the team is probably somewhere around .500, with a floor closer to 28-30 wins.

Prediction: Eastern Conference 38-44, 8th seed, bounced in the first round. Western Conference 30-52, 12th place.

How They Would Fare Against the 2004-05 University of Illinois Fighting Illini Men’s Basketball Team:

The strengths and weaknesses of these two teams are matched up in a manner of direct opposition. Much like in the 2005 NCAA championship game when Illinois had nobody who could stop Sean May, Illinois also has nobody who can guard Vigo the Carpathian. None of the Illini big men will be big enough or strong enough to stop him from getting to the basket at will. Fortunately, the Ghostbusters have nobody who can efficiently guard Illinois’ outside shooting trio of Deron Williams, Luther Head, and Dee Brown. Illinois’ Roger Powell matches up well against Ray Stantz defensively and offensively, making their battle a wash. In the paint, Illinois will rotate some combination of starter James Augustine and bench players Jack Ingram, Nick “The Chainsaw” Smith, and sophomore Warren Carter against The Carpathian, possibly employing the Hack-a-Vigo technique with fouls to burn. The Ghostbusters will do what they can on the outside, but there is simply no way Spengler, Venkman, and Zeddemore are quick enough or have enough defensive prowess to cover Williams, Head, and Brown. Illinois wins this one in a close match-up 84-77.

Edit: Vigo the Carpathian quote fixed.